


I wanna remember how you taste.

by LHismutual



Category: Harries, Harry Styles - Fandom, One Direction (Band), louies, ot4 - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Artist Harry, Bartender Louis, Bartender Niall, Exes, Exes to Lovers, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Harry Has Long Hair, Lirry - Freeform, M/M, Music, Nouis, One Shot, Possessive Behavior, Sex, Short One Shot, Smut, Tattoo Artist Liam Payne, blunts, exes to lovers again, forgivenes, larry - Freeform, they share that, two parts, zouis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-07-15 14:55:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16065494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LHismutual/pseuds/LHismutual
Summary: What do you do when your first love arrives in town ? And what do you do when, at the same time, you realise that maybe the soon-to-be father of your kid may not be the love of your life ?





	1. PART ONE : Let's have a laugh, said the universe.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> hope you'll like it 
> 
> D xx

 

 

The surprise was complete. Louis opened his eyes and saw a cradle, the furniture was made of steel and wooden leaves, the details were breathtakingly intricate. Of course, he would have a kid with Paul. Aghast and amazed, he looked at the tag which to his greatest despair indicated “Harry Styles”.  If it were the one he was thinking of, the two had loved each other when they were freshmen. To Louis' misfortune, the young men aspired to drastically opposite ideals. Harry had always wanted the bohemian, Louis, the big house with the white fence and kids. Naturally, they had split but the universe seemed to play games. 

But it couldn't be the Harry Styles, innit? 

'Where did you get it? Paul it's amazing.'

'An artist freshly arrived in town. Tall, flowers tats and curls all 'round.' 

 

Louis' heart shrank. It genuinely sounded like Harry Styles. 

'You okay babe? You went blank.' Louis kissed him failing to find words. 

 

  

It was pitch dark now. Paul was sleeping, tired to his bones after sex. Louis couldn’t sleep. Soon they would start the procedures and be fathers. He looked at Paul’s back, his skin was shiny, his muscles lean. He smiled while standing up to reach the spare room. He opened the door with great care and stopped in front of the cradle. He ran his fingers along the wood, he touched the wheels and the coolness felt incredibly needed under his burning skin. He searched for the tag and eventually found it. It was wrapped with a green woollen cord: the slightly blue paper was probably recycled. He sat on the floor and cupped his face. This couldn’t be happening. What were the odds to meet again after all those years? Fate was messing with him. Without knowing why, tears ran down his cheeks effortlessly. He sat there until dawn. He thought it over and concluded that he couldn’t see him. It could destroy the stability he had built. Harry was part of his past and their connection was long gone.  

  

In the morning, he opted for the shower and dressed up. Paul was still sleeping, subconsciously waiting for Louis to bring breakfast in bed as usual on Sundays. Yet, this time he wouldn’t. He looked at him one last time and a strange feeling hit his bones, for a split second he pictured an eighteen-year-old Harry sleeping in his bed. Brown curls caressing the pillow, tattoos tainting the covers. 

‘You sure?’ Niall simply said almost swallowing his coffee. He was exhausted and simply looking at the dark circles under his eyes made Louis feel dizzy. As much as he wanted things to be normal, everything felt wrong and the look on Niall’s face was clearly pulling the red alarm. ‘Are you okay?’ Niall added. He wasn’t, the waves of thoughts were crashing against the edge of his mind again. Emptiness was slowly spreading to reach his core, just like it did five years before when Harry had left. 

Out of all the things he wanted to say, from the fact that he wanted more than anything to see Harry to the pain hitting his ribs, he told Niall about the baby. ‘You don’t owe him shit.’ Niall concluded after congratulating him. 

  

Louis came home the very morning, exhausted and full of doubts. Paul was gardening so he was left alone with his thoughts again. Maybe it was time to let him go. It had been years, Niall was right, happiness was ahead. Even though Louis couldn’t possibly imagine a life where Harry would mean nothing, for even his absence made sense, it was his last sign to focus on his new life.  As he was putting sugar on his tea, memories hit him. 

 

___ ___

 

It was a cool evening of September, the grass felt wet under feet. Except for two old people, the park was empty. They had ended up here with no other reason than they couldn’t pick between the different films shown in theatres. Harry had driven Louis’ car and randomly picked a park.

They had been dying to kiss each other, at least Louis' red cheeks and sweaty palms seemed to lead in that direction. Harry had tried his best to stay confident and not let himself be overwhelmed by the rogue. For his part, Louis was determined to play a bit longer. He had bet with Niall that he wouldn't be the one to surrender, Harry was going to kiss him first.  

  

They had walked a bit, until Harry had suggested that Louis might had been dying to taste his lips.  

'I'm not gonna kiss you Styles.' Louis said looking at Harry dangerously biting his lower lip. 'Promised Ni I would win. One month of free beers is at stake.' he added tying his hands to stop thinking about Harry's curls behind his ear.  

‘You better kiss me Tomlinson, I don't care about the bet. Free drinks on me.' He said grabbing Louis, forced to look at him straight in the eye. Harry leered at him before stepping even further. 

'And why are you not going to kiss me?' 

'Oh. I will. Don't worry about that. But you know, been doing my best and I could use some help here.'  Louis laughed at that, Harry was right. Louis wasn't very talkative, at least not when his feelings were at stake. 'We’re making history here.’ Harry added confidently, his mouth open like a dumb man. Louis looked into his eyes, a spark of surrender lightened the blue sea. He lowered Harry's chin and put his lips on Harry's. He felt his smile on his lower lip and kissed him harder, that was his way of talking.  

 

___ ___

When water spilt on the back of his hand, Louis mechanically pulled out his hand. Now his tea was ruined. He looked through the window, Paul smiled at him. 

  

'I can't believe the guy's in town though.' Niall said lighting Louis' cig. 'L. A's not that far. You seem off.' Niall wasn't entirely wrong. He wasn't wrong at all.  

'Well, I don't know lad. I just- what were the odds?' 

'Maybe it's a sign of the times.' he poked Louis' shoulder. 

'I love you Ni but you do talk some shit sometimes.' 

 

 

___ ___

 

It was only eight days later that the subject resurfaced. Niall had a plan, they needed new stools for their soon-to-be-open night club. The warehouse where Harry worked was freshly settled so it was the perfect occasion to benefit lower prices and, given the cradle, Louis couldn’t really argue:  it was proper work. 

The smell of paint and aerosol cans hit his nostrils. The warehouse was separated in areas, having crossed the reception he reached what seemed like the urban arts corner.  A guy with a mask was working on a wall, graffities.

There were stairs at the back of the building with a sign ‘Payne’s tattoos’ written on it. He looked at the guy and tried to catch his attention. Eventually the guy stopped his work and met Louis. They looked at each other and as much as he wanted to utter something and not look dumb, nothing happened. 

  

‘We’re searching for Harry Styles. Business inquiry.’ Niall offered as mare salutation. They finally shook hands but not after a long stare at Louis. ‘Wicked’ Niall added pointing at the wall, ‘Left after the stairs, right if the guy is carving woods.’ 

'You want me to go with you?' Niall whispered trying his best not to look suspicious. Except that Louis was pissed. First Niall had dragged him there, he had made everything up just so they would meet again. Louis hated surprises, especially when his long gone first love was involved.  

'I fine Ni. Thanks for asking now that I'm here.' he spat. He would talk to Niall later.   

  

Louis crossed the building and reached the said workshop. He tried to think about something to say, something appropriate, words that would fit but he came to the conclusion that words wouldn't suffice, some things were too obvious to be hazardous. 

He was here. His longs curls were intertwined with a green scarf. His hair was longer than Louis remembered, visually messy but soft. He was turning his back to the entrance, plunged into his art. The guy was painting with his hands, memories hit the back of Louis head, Harry had always loved to paint with his bare fingers, he smiled unknowingly. 

He looked around, paintings, sculptures, cups scattered here and there, some filled with water and paint some filled with coffee. Louis stepped forward and peered at a steel sculpture, it was a face that looked strangely familiar, was it a self-portrait? He stepped back and hit a bucket which reversed, water was spilled everywhere.  ‘Shit.’ Was everything Louis was able to utter. ‘No worries, it happens all the-’ Harry replied before turning around, no sooner had he seen Louis than the last words were stuck in his throat. They looked at each other in complete silence. It could have lasted two seconds or four hours until Harry seemed to be back on earth and grabbed a towel to clean the floor. 

‘You need something?’ Louis heard, his voice was deeper and without really knowing why, painful to his ears.  Louis explained himself in a row, he was almost out of breath when he finished the story, not because it was particularly long but because he wanted to escape.  

‘Gimme a month.’ Harry replied trying to scratch some paint from the back of his left hand. 

'Niall will be delighted.' Harry frowned and paused. Louis knew this face by heart, Harry would look angry when his mind was processing something surprising. 

'Niall as Niall Horan?' 

'We're still best friends. He's my business partner now.' 

'Did he come?' he said smiling brightly. Louis nodded and watched Harry left the room. Louis followed him mechanically.  

'Wait, how did you hear about me?' Harry said, turning around just before reaching the door.  

'Niall.' Louis tried his best to sound casual. Paul's face came to his mind and with that the weight of the tears that had rolled down his cheeks until dawn. Louis wasn’t ready to let him about how the cradle had messed up with his mind. 

They walked until they reached the front desk. Niall was typing something on his phone.  

'Nice shoes.' Harry offered a big smile on his face. Louis looked at him, nothing had changed, from the depth of his dimples, to his plump lips and scrunched nose. Niall looked up, locked his phone and opened his arms laughing. Louis felt a pinch in his heart. Their meeting had been so formal, so distant. Now that Niall was hugging him it dawned upon him that maybe, just maybe, they could have hugged each other too.  

They made an estimate and Niall gave in the down payment, Louis stood behind, watching the scene unable to fit.  

 

___ ___

 

‘Go for it.’ Louis said cleaning the counter, he had been a great night and he wasn’t going to tarnish their success for a drink. ‘I mean it. I don’t have anything to say.’ He added looking at Niall in the eye. Harry had invited them for a drink. Of course, Louis wouldn’t go, but it didn’t mean he had something to say about Niall’s choices. They were friends before Louis and Harry had split and Louis was sure their friendship would revitalize in a second.   

‘Am I supposed to talk about you? Not talk about you?’ That was a great question, was he going to approve Harry knowing him again through a friend or was he going to nourish the silence? As much as he didn’t want things to be that way, a part of him was dying to the thought of Harry forgetting about him again. The other half was aware of the dangers encountered. 

‘I don’t want my name to be taboo, tell him what you want. It’s been five years, he probably doesn’t care anyway.’ He said trying to act casual though he was hoping Harry would still be interested.  

Maybe it was because the night had been hectic or maybe he wasn’t simply in the mood but when he came back Louis decided to avoid Paul as much he could. He slept all day and woke up late in the evening. It was Thursday, as usual, Paul would be in the living room watching Master Chief.

Not only Louis wasn’t one of those who would spend their evening in front of the TV but he also hated cuisine shows. He lit a cigarette, sitting comfortably in his beach sofa and thought of it: he hadn’t spent a single Thursday evening with Paul in two years. 

In fact, for the past two years he had spent his Thursdays smoking a joint in front of the beach. He shook his head and decided to go for a walk. He meandered until his feet were sore and indicated it was time to go back home. On the way back, he received a text from Niall, it was a picture: Him all smiley, Harry by his side, the graffiti guy from the warehouse and a fourth guy that Louis had never seen. 

From the background, they were in the O’ Connor, a shitty Irish bar on the fifth avenue. Harry was holding a glass, whiskey maybe. He was beaming and so Louis wondered if Niall had told them about sending him the picture. He looked at the waves and felt the need to take a deep breath.

 He typed, ‘Harry’s boyfriend looks fine’, referring to the fourth guy. To his surprise, he received an immediate answer, ‘Ashton’s husband, Liam. Harry’s free.’ No sooner had he read the text that he regretted his inquiry. Why would a guy like Harry be single? Hadn’t he changed or was he still the guy refusing to settle down? He sent a picture of the sea and went home to prepare for his shift. 

 ___ ___

 

He passed the following week being sad and moody, sometimes memories were more powerful than feelings. 

‘I’m knackered, you sure you want to go out?’ Louis said exhaling deeply. Niall was stoned too and pretty much dead tired. He stretched a bit and mumbled something Louis didn’t catch. ‘Hum?’ 

‘Gonna tell H to come here directly.’ Louis shook his head in disbelief.  

‘Could you at least tell me before you plan such things? Last time at the warehouse, now that…’ he shook his head again and laughed bitterly. Niall didn’t understand. How could he? What Louis and Harry had shared was unique from one end to the other.  

‘Listen man, I apologized, didn’t I? I really thought you were needed. I don’t know shit about art, at least not the sculptures and stuff. I thought.’ 

‘Yes,  _you_  thought. Which part of he broke my heart five years ago you didn’t understand?’ Niall scratched his head trying to remain calm. 

‘Louis please. I don’t want us to argue. I do understand. But it’s been years, I know you could handle a business meeting.’ Louis scoffed completely aghast. He stood up and finished his drink. 

‘Spare me the bullshit.’ He said crossing the living room. He heard Niall but didn’t bother turning around.  

‘I’m sorry. And sorry for tonight too. I’m a prat.’ 

‘You are.’ 

Louis walked across the streets for a bit, all those faces yet only one would remain. He texted Paul, pretending to still be at Niall’s would give him some times. He sat on a bench put his earphones on and tried to remember the last time life felt easy. 

 

**___ ___**

 

‘And I’ll wear a crown. Golden flowers like Caesar’s statues.’ Harry said kissing Louis’ chest. The later hummed softly and closed his eyes. His fingers got lost in the mess of Harry’s curls.  

‘You’ll wear a three-piece suit, grey or a darker shade of blue to suit your eyes. I'll place a white rose on your pocket. Don’t go too hard on your hair, I won’t be able to grab it when fucking you hard in the loo.’ He looked up and grinned at Louis who smiled without opening his eyes. The warmth of their embrace, Harry’s skin on his was enough to make his heart complete.  

‘I can hear you smile.’ Louis said, Harry lifted himself a bit and kissed Louis’ chest, abs and lower tummy, just above the rim of his briefs. ‘What are you doing? Aren’t you tired?’ Louis tried not to moan.  

‘No. Open your eyes, you might want to see what I’m about to do to you.’ 

 

___ ___

 

He received a series of snaps from Niall the very next mornings. They were from the end of the previous night. Graffiti guy was talking about something apparently very funny but Louis couldn’t focus on the words. Harry’s hands were visible, he was singing something visibly not interested in the video. 

‘What are you thinking of?’ Paul asked taking Louis in his arms from the back. Louis sighed and secretly reminded himself not to look depressed in front of Paul again. ‘Worried about the new club.’ He lied trying his best to appreciate Paul’s comfort. The later kissed him on the neck and whispered something about how amazing things would be once the club would open. Louis wasn’t paying much attention, the stools would soon be ready and with that, they would soon interact again. 

___ ___

 

‘You want me to come?’ Niall asked through the phone, Louis was irritated and stressed. The first meeting with the surrogate mother had been a nightmare, they would have to hire another one. He didn’t have time to book new appointments and on top of that, Niall had decided to break his wrist the day they were supposed to buy the stools. It also meant Niall wasn’t going to work for a month. 

‘You can’t come.’ He replied sharply, it wasn’t against Niall, at least that was what he was repeating himself. ‘Take care of your wrist. Try to find someone to replace you. See if Judie is available.’ 

‘Nice to meet you.’ He shook Liam’s hand. The guy was outrageously beautiful. ‘Sick tats.’ He added trying to relax a bit. ‘Niall told us about your club. I can’t wait for the opening.’ He smiled and made his eyes disappear. ‘Harry is not here yet but you can wait at his corner.’ Ashton followed obviously referring to Harry’s workplace in the warehouse. ‘Feel free to go out with us mate. Niall’s a great guy.’ 

Louis waited exactly twenty-eight minutes and smoked three times. The curly guy entered the area, humming slightly. His lilac denim jacket suited him perfectly. 

‘I didn’t see any fresh paintings so I figured I could open the back door.’  He said before attempting to close it but Harry cut him off ‘Leave it open, the stools are outside actually.’ 

He tried to replace his curls but after three attempts he got tired of it and tied them with a golden scarf. The stools were simple yet impressive, somehow masculine. Louis peered at them, tracing lines along the cold material with his fingers. Harry had always been gifted, that was one of the reasons why he hadn’t finished college. He didn’t need any diploma to succeed. He was a natural, born to create. 

‘Not as good as the cradle but tried my best.’ Harry said lighting a joint. He knew all about it, Louis felt the urge to cry but swallowed his frustration instead. That was why he had been pouting ever since he had come. That was also why his jaw was slightly sharper today.  ‘I didn’t get the chance to say thank you. It’s amazing what you did, I like it.’ Louis said feeling his cheeks redden. ‘Those are sick by the way.’ He looked at the sky, no cloud whatsoever. Harry didn’t reply but focused on the smoke.  They put the stools in Louis’ trunk in silence until they had to say goodbye. 

‘So…’ Louis joined his hands together and looked at Harry, his traits were different and yet nothing had changed. The guy was still the most beautiful man Louis had ever seen. Except that he had surpass himself, definitely more charming. A lock of hair fell on his face because of the wind. He looked up and grinned, his lips mouthing an ‘oops’. Louis tried his best not to stare, he really did.  

‘What?’ Harry said amused. Louis shrugged and reached the driver seat. ‘Louis?’ Harry’s voice was deeper, it only meant he was worried. 

‘Hum?’ Louis turned around, he had to pinch his eyes a bit to see Harry properly.  

‘I’d love to go to the opening if you’re okay with it.’ Harry said closing the boot.

His eyes were brighter with the sun and the thinness of his fabric allowed his tattoos to be visible. Louis looked at the car keys in his palm and silently damned himself for not finding something to say. Of course, he wasn’t going to inform Harry that after months of his relationship with Paul he was just bored. He wasn’t going to tell him that Paul and he had never perfectly fitted or that every big step had been imagined by his boyfriend and that he was fine with them as long as he didn’t have to take the lead.   

‘Come.’ He struggled to utter. He meant it, Harry had every right to attend his friend’s opening. Nothing was going to change anyway. Harry was showing support as he had always done, he still cared in a formal way and almost out of circumstances, but it was enough because there was nothing to hope for.  

Harry smiled lazily, he ran his slender fingers along the boot, his rings ticking on the metallic material.  

‘Have a good day Mr. Tomlinson. Thank you for trusting me on your purchase.’ Louis sat and laughed.  

‘Lucky you’re a good artist cause you’re a shitty business man.’ He heard Harry laughed and closed the car door.  

He went home and took a bath, lulled by the warmth of the water and the sound of the ocean. He tried to remember his day, his week and month. He then thought about the time in between Harry’s departure and comeback. He couldn’t help but being stuck on one precise moment. 

 

___ ___

 

‘I never mean to hurt you. I wouldn’t.’ 

‘You are. Right now, I’m fucking hurt. I’m telling you I can follow you I don’t care I just want to be with you.’ 

‘That’s the thing isn’t it? You always compromise. I love you enough to let you be who you want to be. I know you, you don’t want that. We’re gonna travel for years and one day you’ll wake up, look at me and have regrets because you know those dreams aren’t going to disappear. You’re a natural Louis, you deserve to be a father, to have your bar and the house and the fucking dog. I can’t give you what you want and it breaks my heart because I’m in love with you.’ 

‘How can you leave then? If you love me that much.’ Louis uttered tears rolling down his cheeks. Harry paused and lowered his head. Tears were wetting his neck.  

‘I loved you the second I saw you. I can’t picture myself not loving you, ever.’ 

 

___ ___

 

Two weeks had passed; no sign from Harry whatsoever. Louis had tried his best to not think about him and quite succeeded. They had booked another appointment with a surrogate mother, Paul was so excited he had arranged a romantic date night on the beach. Louis was zoning out, looking at the scene from the outside. The more they would talk about the baby the more his guts would shrink. Having a baby was the logical next step, Louis knew it would happen one day, but now he realized he hadn’t expected it to be so soon. 

 Paul went to the kitchen to grab another bottle of wine, Louis unlocked his phone and saw a text from Niall. A picture of Liam smiling, Harry wrapping an arm around his shoulders, a big grin on his face. ‘hang in there with the boyfriend duties. Those two are drunk already.’ He turned his head to see if Paul had seen anything as if getting pictures of Harry was an outrage. Before he could answer he received another text ‘Sorry, tell me if you want me to stop ?!’ Paul was coming back Louis couldn’t reply yet.  

The dinner finished with a slow dance on the beach. Louis looked at Paul and genuinely tried to figure his feelings out. He loved Paul, right now it was more of an infinite tenderness than burning passion but it was love.  

‘Lots work tomorrow. Love you.’ Louis kissed him slowly before letting go.  

‘Gonna do the dishes and tidy the kitchen a bit. Coming soon. Thanks for the dance babe.’  

It took way more time than he had expected, it dawned upon him when he had washed the plate for the fourth time that he was pretty drunk. He almost had a heart attack when his phone rang. It was Niall.  

‘Still drunk?’ Louis inquired before lifting his shoulder so he could have his hands free. He took the towel and attempted to dry a glass. ‘Don’t break another bone of yours please.’ 

‘Only broke my ankle when I was 19 but you know that.’ Harry said through the phone.  

‘Harry? Why do you have Niall’s phone? Is he okay?’ Louis mind was racing and he didn’t feel as drunk anymore. 

‘Niall’s asleep.’ He paused, his voice was raspy and slower than usual, he was drunk too. 

‘What do you want Harry?’ Louis tried his best not to sound too irritated, he wasn’t, not entirely.  

‘To apologize.’ Louis heart fell on his ankles. He had to suppress the urge to vomit.  

‘What for?’ 

‘That time at Christmas when it took hours for your mom to make that wonderful cake while your shitty dad was shouting because he had bought one. I let your father’s cake fell on purpose. I wanted your mom’s cake to be the only one big dessert. I knew your dad wouldn’t shout at me.’  

‘Harry, I don’t think-’ 

‘The end of the night was a disaster, your dad was mad as hell. But you should have seen the look on her face when I helped her in the kitchen.’ Louis sighed and tried his best not to cry. Harry had nothing to apologize for. What he had done was brave given the fact that Harry was so young and Louis’ father was a complete arse. Louis had always known and had always been graceful for his silly move.  

‘I miss her. Niall told me…I am sorry. I wish I had been there.’ Louis bit the interior of his cheeks and felt the iron on his tongue. ‘Louis? Are you there?’  

 

Louis placed the phone on the counter and lowered his head to let the tears drop, only then he realized that the glass he was drying a few seconds before had fallen without breaking. Gosh he missed his mother. Harry was talking again, some words Louis didn’t fathom, some words he was too exhausted to process. He grabbed the glass and rest it on the counter before taking back his phone to turn it off.  

 

___ ___

 

Tonight, was the night, the great opening of Miss You. The regular customers were already there, more were expected to come. Free drinks all night long for only fifty bucks. Niall was beaming, chatting with strangers, goofing around. Louis was a little bit more stressed, after two hours of rushing, Liam Ashton and Harry entered the club. 

Harry was wearing a black shirt patterned with golden roses, high waisted dark trousers and some rainbow moccasin. He was the most beautiful man of the night. Louis shook his head and put the shots on a tray. Before the artists could reach the bar, he was already waiting for them to take the shots. 

 

‘On the house.’ He winked at Ashton.

They didn’t hesitate, Liam and Ashton took the shot and made a funny face. It was straight vodka and their throat could feel it. Harry took the glass with a subtle grace and was apparently waiting for Louis to do something.  

‘Where’s yours?’ Harry had to come closer for Louis to hear him.

He walked to reach the bar, come behind and picked a bottle. He didn’t struggle at all to grab a shot glass and poured some for Louis. The later put the tray on the counter and waited aghast. Harry had worked in clubs, Louis was sure of it. Harry offered a big smile and lifted his glass.

 ‘I didn’t give you the permission to come behind the bar.’

‘I apologize for that but you need one.’ He said amused. 

 

 Louis gave him a finger, a big smile on his face. He wasn’t in the mood to fight tonight and nothing was going to ruin his hard work. 

The night went on, Harry and Liam were dancing now. Ashton was talking with Paul about some sports stuff Louis didn’t care about. Niall was trying his best to remain sober for half of the customers had went home and the remaining were mostly friends and regular.  He went for a smoke and to his surprise, Harry joined him.  

‘You can be proud, this place is sick.’ Harry said buttoning up his shirt. Louis focused on his hands, large and strong but again soft and slender.   

‘Seriously I mean it.’ Harry said looking at Louis straight in the eye. ‘It’s cool to witness your dream coming true.’

 

Louis couldn’t help but snorting. Life was strange and his brain hadn’t process Harry being back yet. He would have never imagined being congratulated by his first love, five years later, it was happening and it genuinely felt surreal. ‘I knew you would succeed.’ He finished, still peering intensely.  

‘Well thanks, was really hard sometimes but we made it. We didn’t give up and it worked out.’ Suddenly he felt the urge to hug Niall and thank him for being the best among the best.  

Harry looked at his glass and coughed suddenly feeling sad and frustrated. Seeing Louis at his best was something but he wished he had been there through his journey. Except that he couldn’t fetch back the time and witness Louis making his way to the top. He couldn’t undo what he had done and right now having left felt like a mistake.  

‘You okay?’ Louis said searching for Harry’s eyes. Harry cleared his throat and forced a smile.  

‘Sorry for the call last time. I never meant to push your limits and catch you off guard. I was drunk and-’ 

‘Please stop. Not tonight.’ Louis said simply. Harry frowned and placed an index on his lips to process what was going on.

He opened his mouth but Louis was faster. ‘Don’t apologize again. I need to go back inside.’

 

What was the point of talking about the past? Louis had thought it over and over. There was no need to get more hurt than he already was. Apparently, Harry was upset too so the best thing to do right now was just letting go.  

‘See you later?’ Harry inquired, Louis knew this tone by heart. Harry being upset with himself trying his best to get forgiven. He was trying his best not to get drowned under his thoughts. He sounded like a toddler and it was painfully familiar.  

‘See you Harry.’ 

 

___ ___

 

‘I can’t breathe Lou. I can’t.’ Harry said his eyes reddened by tears. He was shaking and his lungs were sore from trying to extend normally.  

‘I’m here. It’s gonna be okay. You’re okay. Just keep breathing.’ Louis said hugging Harry from behind. He was holding tight because he knew it was something to do when someone had a panic attack. He knew it would release the pressure and calm him down. ‘I love you. You’re just fine babe. Just fine.’  

‘I’m tired of that shit Lou.’ Harry’s voice cracked. It had been months of panic attacks and anxiety. Louis was accustomed but the pain of seeing Harry hurt wouldn’t lower. ‘I wouldn’t be here without you.’ 

‘I know babe, I know. But you’re so strong, so so brave. I’m here, always will. I can’t give up on my whole life, can I ?’ he said kissing the back of his neck.  

 

___ ___

 

‘I mean, with everything going on I’m a bit stressed yeah.’ Louis admitted looking sheepishly at his hands laid on the kitchen counter. The surface was slightly beige with a shade of caramel in it, he hated it.   

‘You’re distant. I don’t know what I did to make you feel that way but talk to me.’ Paul said desperately, it was true though. Louis was distant and time wasn’t helping, in the theatre of his relationship with Paul, it felt like the more time would pass the more his seat would be far away from the scene.  

It wasn’t Harry’s fault even though he had believed it at first. Somehow Harry had permitted him to see the true edges of his relationship and with that, everything that didn’t work, everything that Louis needed.  

‘I’m not sure about the baby.’ He replied, to Paul’s hear, it sounded like a death sentence. He paused, sat on the back of the sofa and peered intensely at Louis, as if his words didn’t pop out of his mouth.   

‘What do you mean?’ his boyfriend replied, his tone was harsh and with that the certitude that Louis had hurt him to his core. ‘Don’t you want to have a baby?’  

Louis looked outside the window, those beautiful waves, right now he wanted to drown.  _I’m not sure I want to have a baby with you_ he told himself. The words spoken out loud would end his relationship, frustrated and mad, tears started to flood down his cheeks. Paul stood up and attempted to join Louis but the later left the house without further words. 

 

___ ___

 

‘So you just left?’ Zayn said lighting the blunt.  

‘I couldn’t possibly tell him that I wasn’t sure.’ 

‘not sure about what?’  

Louis put his face between his hands and rubbed it gently. He was tired of trying. Zayn was one of his best friends, he could understand. 

‘I thought it was because Harry’s back you know? That maybe I was blind again and that Paul had just been there to fill the void Harry had left me with. But I was wrong. It’s not him. Well, I will always love him, you know? But his presence is not the reason why I love Paul less and less.’  

‘But when you look at him you realize that he may not be the love of your life. And with that you can see how much this relationship cost you.’ Zayn finished and left Louis aghast.  

‘How?’ 

‘Been there before mate. Lacey was a gem, the sweetest and loveliest woman I’ve ever met. She would have done anything for me but at the end of the day, it would only take a few minutes with Andrea to realize how easy it could be. How natural love could feel. She was perfect but not perfect for me and I think it makes all the difference.’  

‘I wish I could picture myself, a kid on my lap and Paul by my side. But I just can’t. I still love him but not like I used to and gosh I wish it were because of Harry. It would make me a fuckin idiot but at least I’d have a reason.’ He paused and swept his tears.  

‘Louis please. Stop the pain. You can’t force yourself to love him back. Doesn’t work like that.’  

 

___ ___

 

 ‘I don’t know Niall, maybe two or three nights. He’s coming shut up.’ They stood up and Niall hugged Harry who placed the gratin on the table. 

‘Wow. Look at that. Louis and Harry finally attending the same party. I’m amazed.’ Liam said tossing the cork. For a moment Louis wandered if Ashton and Liam knew their story. If Harry had told them and what.  

‘I couldn’t possibly miss Ashton’s birthday, could I ?’ Harry said scrunching his nose and playing with a lock of curls. Louis looked at him with such fond Niall had to cough to make him stare away.  

‘I don’t want you to get hurt’ Niall wasn’t laughing at all. He glared at Louis and ten glanced at the others, they were laughing and enjoying their evening. Harry was zoning out, completely out of the scene. 

‘He can’t break my heart twice, can he? Let me speak to him. We need to talk and work things out. I still don’t know if I want him to be my friend. And you were the one with plans so don’t tell me to assume your bullshit.’ Louis said confidently. If it wasn’t for Niall, they would have met again, he couldn’t argue and Louis knew it. ‘So, we’ll talk and whatever happens I guess…’ 

‘He’s off.’ Niall deplored looking at the curly man. 

‘That’s because he’s tensed and worried about going off limits with me.’ 

‘Like what romantically?’  

‘No. I mean. No. We dated Niall. It’s hard to even be friends. I’ll go now.’ 

‘Let’s go.’ He mouthed to Harry who understood what was at stake immediately.  

‘Whatever you have to say. I’m all ears.’ Louis said lightening his cig, he offered one to Harry who took out a blunt instead.  

‘It’s been years Louis.’ He paused to exhale, ‘I hope you believe me to be sorry for what happened now. I know you didn’t believe me back then. I never lied to you, not once. My reasons for us to split felt genuine back then. I know it doesn’t matter right now because now the harm is done but I don’t want you to believe I played with you. Never.’ 

‘I know that Harry. I’ve been bitter for so long that I have to admit I’m kinda tired of the sour. It took you to come back to my life to be freed from those chains. I can’t keep hating a ghost. The Harry who broke my heart no longer exists as such and I’m not saying that I forgive you entirely but you know, it feels good to realize that it doesn’t hurt so bad anymore.’  

‘You deserve to be happy.’ Harry said locking his eyes on him. ‘I didn’t expect to meet you again and it feels good, at least to me. I feel lucky I guess. I know that you probably don’t want to be my friend or it’s no use for you. I get that but just know that I wouldn’t mind being your friend. We’re in the same circle again and it’s really hard for me to just pretend you’re not there.’ 

‘I don’t know if given my situation right now, I can be your friend. I don’t know if it can work out, if we can work things out.’  _And not fall again_  Louis thought.  

‘That’s why you’re sleeping on Niall’s couch.’ Harry said lightening Louis’ cig again. ‘Lima told me. He’s not good at keeping secrets. The worst actually. I started to think it was because of my return. But Paul still doesn’t know about our past after all.’ 

‘No. It’s not you. This shitty situation has quite nothing to do with you. I didn’t tell him cause he wouldn’t understand. I don’t know why I’d want to have you back in my life. I don’t know why I wouldn’t want that either.’ 

‘You’re scared I might hurt you again.’ Harry lowered his voice and looked away. Louis looked at him and saw nothing but remorse. ‘I just want you to be happy Louis, even if it means I have to get out of your life again.’ His voice cracked and his mouth shut. He inhaled deeply trying his best not to cry.  

 

Were things going to always be that hard? Harry leaving Louis again and again. Louis being forced to move on all by himself, trying to fit.  

Louis looked at Harry and it dawned upon him that he was genuinely sorry and had been sincere all the way till the end. Now he wanted a chance to prove himself, to mend the broken parts. Gosh he had missed him, of course he wanted to be his friend but he had to get his life back on track first and it would be hard. Paul was going to be furious and naturally imagine the worst.  It took some time for Louis to realise that Harry’s jaw was clenched as well as his fists.  

‘Louis. I can’t breathe.’ Harry whispered, louis looked at him and knew immediately.

 

Harry looked fragile, lost on his thoughts. Louis looked through the French window to check if the others had seen them talk. Niall was eating a piece of cake, Ashton was dancing with Liam. There was no need to worry. There was only one thing to do and Louis was going to do it.   

‘Come here.’ Louis said his arms wide open.

He couldn’t possibly let Harry having a panic attack. Harry knew exactly how to place his hands, he griped Louis’ collar and placed his face near his own fists. Louis put his arms around Harry making sure to hold a solid pressure. Harry’s back was more muscular than he could remember, wider. Yet, he felt tiny in between Louis’ arms, breakable. He held Harry with all the strength he had in a bruising embrace.   

‘You’re not supposed to hold me when I’m the one who broke our hearts.’ He said against Louis’ skin. His voice was cracking and so slow. His breath, painfully hot against Louis’ collarbone it made him shiver. For a moment, memories hit the back of their head, the long seconds, minutes, hours spent just like that, Harry on Louis’ chest, the softness of his lips against Louis’ neck.  

The temptation was too big. Louis put his hand on Harry’s cheekbone and caressed his ear with his thumb. He ran his fingers into Harry’s curls, it felt soft and smelt like vanilla. Time held still and for a moment, just a tiny lil moment, Louis imagined a different context, Harry being his again.  He recalled every time he had touched Harry's hair like that, with a tenderness he had offer to one heart only. He remembered all those times Harry had been fragile, all the priceless moments he had peered in the green of his eyes, getting lost in all the right ways. 

'What do you mean 'out of my life' huh? You do talk some shit sometimes.' Louis would try anything to make him smile again. He felt Harry's giggle on his skin and silently congratulated himself. 

'Three deep breaths and I let you go okay? Could you do that for me Hazza?' 

 

Harry nodded, breathed in and out three times and Louis set him free. Now all Harry wished for was to rest in Louis' arms, lulled by his warmth one more time. 

 

  

 


	2. PART TWO : Joke's on you, replied Love .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took the decision to split the story in half. Hope you won't mind. Thanks for you support as always. 
> 
> D xx

 

Louis looked at himself in the mirror one last time just to be sure his eyes weren’t swollen. He sat and waited for the waitress, Clarissa. He knew the place by heart and with that, the employees and their shifts.  ‘Good to see you Louis. Usual?’ The woman said, replacing her blond curls behind her ear. She was sweet and chatty and Louis’ favorite waitress. Jody, the second waitress wasn’t so bad but she was way too energetic for the guy.  ‘I’m waiting for someone. We’ll see then.’ The waitress nodded, a big smile on her face and left. 

  

Harry was finally here, he had dark circles under his eyes and his hair looked messy but his charming-self was still there. His pink trousers fitted perfectly with the furniture of the restaurant and the flowers patterned on his white shirt made his green eyes sparkle. He was like one of those rich characters from a Fitzgerald book. 

  

‘Hi. I’m glad you called.’ By the shape of his jaw Louis knew Harry wanted to say more but his mouth remained shut. 

‘I really wanted to show you the place. Suits you.’ Louis’ buttocks started to swing like a timid child. 

‘Flowers all’ round.’ Harry smiled lazily, his lashes were long and delicate, Louis couldn’t help staring a little longer.  

‘You know, I never got to know why you moved to San Fran and not L.A. You always told me Los Angeles was your city.’ Louis said trying to sound casual even though the corner of his lips were smirking. Harry laughed, a genuine and loud laugh. 

‘What?’ Louis replied straight away before touching his hair.  

‘I know you were dying to know why not L.A.’ Harry said replacing his hair. He was truly charming when embarrassed.   'Yeah. It kinda is. But I like it better here. L.A's too posh. The real fancy lies in the common people. Not rich folks thinking they are good at art.’  

‘You’re being judgmental Styles.’ Louis said his eyes crooked, Harry scrunched his nose and shook his head.  

‘Ready?’ the waitress offered, Harry smiled at her and she blushed. 

‘Harry will have pancakes with bitter chocolate and mint. I’ll take the veggie breakfast. Lemonade.’ Harry looked at him with what could have been lust, Louis wasn’t ready to be sure.  

‘I really can’t believe those are real. It’s fucking delicious. I really want to taste yours though.’ He said after finishing his pancakes.

 

He didn’t hesitate and grabbed a bite of Louis’ plate. Louis looked at him with amusement until he realized that maybe, sharing food was off their boundaries. When Harry noticed Louis’ reaction he bit his lower lip and muttered sorry.  

After that they decided to walk on the beach. Harry had told Louis about his trips, two in particular, the one in Cambodia when he had rescued Pich, an old Husky dog, and the second one in Brazil when he had met Paolo, the only guy he had dated after their breakup. The mention of his love affairs made Louis smile. Of course, Harry was trying to prove a point, only one serious relationship in five years, did that mean he had hooked up with so many guys he didn’t want to admit it? Or, did that mean it had been actually hard to find someone sufficient?  

‘It’s totally not my place to ask but I mean, why a guy like you would be single?’ Harry scrunched his nose and laughed. He looked at the ocean a smirk on his face. 

‘I mean, I didn’t want anyone after you. I was fine with my backpacker life. But at one point I guess it didn’t feel the same, I mean, discovering a new country, after so many discoveries. I think I changed and I wanted to settle so I tried with a man called Paolo. Didn’t work.’ He paused, Louis looked at him and found nothing but regrets. ‘Anyway, you know me, I got bored and we split, I went to Australia for a bit and came here. Now that I want this life I’m single, how ironic.’ He concluded still looking at the ocean. He was mindlessly playing with sand with his right hand. Louis tried to find something comforting to say but laughed instead, Harry finally looked at him and frowned.

‘It’s just that, now that I have almost everything that I wished for, I’m not sure to be happy either, that’s the real irony.’ Harry smiled softly, sadness tarnishing his traits.

‘let's pretend we are not who we are for a bit.’ he said in the most casual way. Yet, it resounded in Louis’ core. It dawned upon him, life wasn’t about finding someone perfect and have the dream life, it was all about finding someone perfect for you to make your life the bestest. Louis had it all, the house, the boyfriend and soon the toddler. Yet, the desire to stop it all was swelling inside his chest.  

 

___ ___

 

He came back in the evening to find Paul cooking lasagna. Their house was very silent ever since Louis had hinted that maybe he didn’t want to have a kid after all. It was more of a condominium than a home and it made Louis feel blue not to say lonesome. 

 Louis recognized at the smell that it contained meat and automatically sighed. 

‘What am I gonna eat then?’ he heard himself sound irritated. It was just his way to show that he wasn’t particularly happy with this abominable silence and shitty situation. He wanted them to talk and he knew they would fight. Usually, they would both shout and then it was over. Except that Paul was oddly calm and it was way worse.  

‘I thought I would put meat in it, to please my parents.’ Paul apologized. 

‘Or they could have eaten vegetarian lasagna and no one would have died you know. Like it's not as if I'd been vegetarian pretty damn my whole life. It's not like your parents were used to it by now.’ Louis was upset, he wasn’t sure if it were because of his boyfriend not respecting his habits, changing plans or the simple act of coming to a place that felt less and less like home. He took off his shoes not putting them back on the shoe cabinet. ‘Shoes.’ He heard Paul muttered. He opened the French window and sat on the outdoor sofa. Silently he rolled a joint and tried to relax.

‘Please. My parents will be here in a minute.’ Paul said replacing the towel on his shoulder. He was looking at Louis as if he were eight. Louis closed the French window without a word. His iPhone vibrated in his back pocket, he read ‘Had fun today. Loved the place. Loved the version of me with you. Just for your information: I’m free every Wednesday.’ 

He exhaled deeply not even trying to hide his smile. Out of everything, spending time with Harry felt like breathing. It made Louis feel safe and important. Harry would listen and just be genuine. He had his very unique way of looking at everyone in the eye, only then Louis was feeling enough.  He typed ‘A better version than I remember, Styles. Can’t wait to see Pich’ and enjoyed his last moment alone. 

  

The diner was going on pretty well until they all started to talk about the baby and the thought that his future daughter would have only one pair of grandparents -and not the kindest one- hit him in the guts. André was smart and distinguished, someone to look up to if order and appearance were your ideals. Even though he had already remained composed, Louis somehow knew that the man in his fifties hated him. ‘Paul deserves a real business man’ he had once overheard. It had made Louis laugh given the fact that his payroll was twice as big as Paul’s. Corinne was obnoxious and distant, she had never shown tenderness or compassion towards Paul, not once. She was conceited and snob and most importantly, she had always something to say about anything.  

 

 ‘This dinner was a disaster.’ Paul said throwing the towel in the sink. ‘I’m tired of it all.’  

‘I’m sorry about whatever the fuck I said Paul.’ Louis said reaching him, the white wine had made its effect, the atmosphere was soother now. ‘It feels like we don’t know how to work things out anymore and you won’t talk to me so I keep pushing and it’s just about being passive-aggressive now and I’m sick of it.’ 

Paul had his head bent down, by the way his shoulders were moving when breathing, Louis knew it was his shot. ‘Please talk to me. What do you want?’  

Paul was about to turn around when Louis’ phone that rested near the sink vibrated. The screen displayed a new video from Harry Styles. Paul grabbed the phone. 

‘Please babe.’ Louis tried to grab it back but Paul placed a hand on his chest to block him. He opened the video, Harry was telling a joke to Pich and she answered him with a bark making him laugh. Although Harry looked adorable, Louis didn’t dare smiling. He looked at Paul whose face was completely tensed.  

‘Always on the way. You know, for someone you’ve dated five years ago, the guy’s pretty clingy. It could be cute if he wasn’t to pathetically smitten.’ He spat completely bitter.  

‘Shit.’ 

‘Yes. Louis. Shit. When were you going to tell me?’ 

‘I didn’t cause I knew you’d imagine the worst and get mad. There’s nothing between me and him. Nothing. We try to be friends. Please calm down.’ 

‘And you have the audacity to come and whine about our miserable life. This whole mess Lou, it’s all because of you. First the kid, then Harry. What next? Are you gonna cheat on me?’ 

Paul was furious, for the first time Louis was genuinely frightened. He gave a kick to the cupboard under the sink.  

‘I will never cheat on you. Paul look at me.’ Louis cupped his face and kissed him. After all this distance it felt strange, almost unfamiliar. 

‘We both know how first lvoes feel like. You are giving up on us and I’m not sure I want to fight for us both.’  

 

___ ___

 

The situation remained the same for a very long time, after two years of relationship, they would chat long enough to tell their day and that would be about it. Paul was sadder everyday waiting for Louis to take a decision. It was such a shame, he had taken one step after the other, almost mechanically for he had believed Paul’s decision would make him happy. The “baby” step had been the last straw, finally he had had enough of Paul deciding for two. He wanted to be genuine, especially to himself.

The more he would think about it the more his opinion on the subject would be stronger: Louis wanted to have a baby but not now and not with Paul. Sadly enough, the more time went the more Louis didn’t feel like wanting to be with Paul at all anymore. He still loved him but something deep inside was telling him it wasn’t worth the pain. Yet, he would try sometimes, steal a kiss or cook for Paul. But the moment of happiness didn’t last anymore.  

 

Three Wednesday had passed and with that, three breakfasts with Harry. It was like getting to know each other all over again but Louis liked that. Harry had changed but not too much as to remain the Harry he liked. He was slightly sportier, slightly more pragmatic. He liked ketchup and asparagus now. There was something peculiar about him, a weight that had been lifted, maybe the wieght of youth or the burden of having to deal with other people's expectations. 

Louis also noticed that he was more decision-oriented and straight forward which Louis he to be a big improvement. Truth be told, Harry was even more lovable and Louis was starting to feel like he was the one that hadn’t bettered himself. Three weeks that had marked their new friendship. Of course, Louis wasn’t talking about his relationship problems but Harry needn’t words to understand him anyway. 

 

___ ___

 

‘So, what’s up with Hazza?’ Zayn said trying to catch Louis’ eyes.  

‘We’re getting along. Feels good to have him back. I think we can work this out.’ Zayn snorted. ‘What?’ Louis said irritated.  

‘What about the hug?’ 

‘Which hug?’ 

‘Cause there were more than one?’ 

‘No. I- It’s just that he was about to have a panic attack at Niall’s. We talked and he was overwhelmed. It happens. That’s all. I couldn’t let him in such state. Who told you anyway?’ 

‘Niall. Told me you’re weird together. Like we can tell you shared stuff. Now I have to see that by myself.’ 

'You would have done the same for me.'

'And yet, it wouldn't have meant anything.'

 

___ ___

 

It was a mild evening, the two friends weren’t working. The smell of grilled aubergines was hovering the beach. Niall was playing harmonica joined by Louis who was humming slightly his eyes closed.  

‘Where’s H? He was supposed to bring us drinks and never came back.’ 

‘Louis. Open your eyes, you’re not gonna like it.’ Louis turned his head and saw Harry talking to Paul. 

‘He’s not supposed to be here. Paul, why did you do that for fuck sake.’ He stood up and walked as fast as he could. 

‘What the fuck Paul?’ He passed over Louis without a glance, leaving Harry, his hands on his flanks. Paul could be a hurricane there was no need to add more drama. Louis tried to grab his arm gently but Paul stepped aside. 

‘Aren’t you running after him this time?’ He turned his head, Harry was leaving too.   

‘You’re not supposed to argue with him. He did nothing wrong. Why do you have to add fuel to the fire? Why don’t you trust me?’ 

‘Cause you’re a slut.’ Paul said in disdain, Niall immediately grabbed him by the shoulder.  

‘You my friend, need to get the fuck out here. Go get him Lou.’  

‘He asked about us. I couldn’t lie. Don’t get mad.’ He added searching for his keys. The orange shade of his suit was perfectly matching with the sunset.   

‘Talk to me.’ Harry was now turning the keys so Louis had to touch him.  

‘He said that ever since I came back into your life you were distant. He asked if there was something between us, I said no and I don’t know he started to tell me I was lying, that obviously there was still something between us. I told him that you were my first love but now you were being a good friend. Let me leave. I just want to be alone right now.’ 

 ‘Hazza please.’ Louis heard himself say grabbing Harry's wrist. Endearments and touch were off boundaries he knew it and silently swore. 

‘I don't want to be a part of this toxic script. I was here having a good time and now I'm upset and mad at a stranger and maybe he's right? Maybe first lovers cannot be friends, maybe we can't.’ Louis dropped his hand and was left without Harry’s warmth.  

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Goodbye Louis.'

 

He came back to Niall arguing with Paul.  

‘Gimme a break!’ Niall said out loud, he was gathering his stuff. ‘What’s going on?’ Louis asked to them both and apparently silence could be an answer, ‘what the fuck is going on?’ he repeated. ‘Paul doesn’t want me here.’ Niall said looking at Paul who looked determined. ‘Niall didn’t do anything. What’s wrong with you?’ Paul snorted,  

‘I bought that house for you when you were still searching for a loan. I don’t want your shitty friends here.’ 

'He's family. I'm leaving too.' Paul tried to step closer but Louis shook his head. 'Don't. I think you've done enough.'

 

___ ___

 

‘Are you seriously going to fuck me or do I have to ask someone else?’ Harry said unbuttoning his jeans. He peered at Louis and bit his lip slowly. Louis shook his head and made him fall on the sofa. He made sure to secure Harry’s wrists above his head and placed his other hand into his underwear. Harry moaned at the feeling and closed his eyes when Louis ran his thumb over the head.  

'Maybe we should go to college for once.' Harry said, eyes closed. 

‘Open your eyes.’ Harry looked at him with fire in his eyes. ‘What do you want? Do you want to study or do you want  _me_?’ Louis followed, slowly sliding his fingers up and down Harry’s hard cock. Harry moaned and tried his best to ignore Louis tongue licking his lower lip.

Harry hummed slightly and closed his eyes again. ‘Ok maybe I want you.’ he said biting Louis' ear before reaching for Louis’ cock. 

‘I see you’re happy to see me.’ Harry said circling Louis who pushed further into Harry’s palm. 

‘On your knees big boy.’ Louis whispered. 

 

___ ___

 

‘You’re gonna kill him stop it Pich.’ Harry said smiling brightly. The dog had jumped on Louis and had made him fall. Pich was a big Husky yet, she was the kindest dog Louis had ever met. ‘She’s clumsy just like you.’ Louis said petting her behind the ears, Harry snorted and went to the living room. He sat on the shabby blue suede sofa. The room was filled with plants, sculptures and paintings.

It smelt like dark chocolate mixed with Harry’s scent. ‘Sick.’ Louis said looking at the exposed beams at the ceiling. ‘Always wanted visible beams, it’s so charming.’ Louis said not noticing the fact that Harry was peering at him. ‘All this light. Your windows are so big.’ He added closing his eyes to feel the sun beams on his face. ‘I like it here.’ He concluded, he turned around and saw Harry a big smile on his face. ‘Look at the piano.’

He tilted his head proudly. Louis crossed the living room, passed the second sofa -made of wooden pallet- and reached the instrument. He sat and ran his fingers on the keys, he couldn’t help but playing. ‘Pern, Yan Tiersen.’ Harry said softly before joining him. He bent forward and rested on his elbow, Louis who had his eyes closed tried his best not to get overwhelmed.  

‘You look beautiful when you play.’ He heard Harry say, his voice was so low more like a whisper, Louis had almost missed it but luckily enough, the words had resounded deep inside and he smiled. He didn’t open his eyes until he finished the song. Harry was still looking at him,

‘You’re a weirdo.’ Louis deadpanned, Harry didn’t bother at all. 

  

‘You’re still playing.’ Harry said pouring the tea.  

‘I almost stopped, after we broke up.’ Louis admitted, ‘You were everywhere, especially in the music I would play. I started again maybe three years ago. Niall and I would organize gigs, back in the days when we had this shitty bar.’ He recalled. ‘We still play but you know not in the club.’  

‘You miss those days.’ Harry said focused on the tobacco and leaf. ‘It’s a shame, you make people happy when you play, always have.’ He licked the leaf, tapped the joint against the table and stood up. Harry was right, Louis felt his guts shrink and stood up in silence. They sat on the grass of the back garden. Pich was sleeping near the windows just as to appreciate the sun without having to leave the coolness of the house. 

  

‘How do you feel?’  _Lonely_   Louis thought to himself. Paul had been living with his parents for a week, no call or text whatsoever. Louis was gradually understanding that he was waiting for him to improve the situation and mend the wounds. Except that Louis wasn’t sure if he wanted to make efforts or just run away from the life he had once wanted.  

‘I can’t break his heart.’ he exhaled deeply, ‘I can’t tell him that after two years I suddenly realized that I didn’t want to spend my life with him. That the way I love him wasn’t enough to make us happy in the long run. Cause I’ve seen it way too many times, people trying their best to love someone because they are supposedly perfect and ending up exhausted and lonely.

They try and try again until they realize that they’ve been trying for years to be as perfect as the other was and end up with a self-esteem so low they think they are the problem. I’m not a bad guy Hazza. I just don’t want this life to be mine, I don’t love Paul enough to be the father of his child. I hate those shitty cuisine shows. I hate half of our furnishings. Jeez I hate our running sessions.’ He rubbed his face and sniffled. 

  

Harry took a deep puff and emptied his lungs. ‘You deserve to be happy Louis. After five years of silence, it took me one second to remember that you are the best person I know. Nobody needs perfect but everyone deserves someone who suits them best. I’m sorry you have to go through this.’  

‘Did you feel the same back then? When you broke up with me.’ Louis heard himself say. Harry knotted his hands together and took his time to answer.  

‘No. I knew you weren’t perfect but you were to me. I wasn’t trying anything, loving you was the most natural thing to me. I broke my own heart when I left. I couldn’t be the one cutting your wings off. I couldn’t be the one responsible for you not loving me anymore. Cause it would have happened. We both know it. After months or years your love would have changed, the vision you had of me. I couldn’t picture you unloving me so I left.’ 

‘So, it has nothing to do with you not loving me enough?’ he said out of the blue, he wanted to know, he had to know. Harry looked at him and giggled slightly. 

'No. Not at all. It had everything to do with a boy trying his best to free himself from everyone's expectations. It had everything to do with loving you too much to ruin us.'

'I don't get it Harry.'

‘I loved you so much I couldn’t bear the thought of you being unhappy with the life I had chosen for myself. I hope you know that. I’m happy you got to try to have the life you wanted, it’s just a shame it doesn’t suit you as much as you deserve it.’ He finished.  

Now he understood, that was why Harry had left.  When it had come to happiness, Harry had all the rights to break up with him and have the time of his life. He had broken up with him because Louis wouldn’t have been happy. After all those years, the weight in Louis’ chest disappeared. Their break up was a good thing. Harry hadn’t taken this decision out of selfishness or immaturity. Now that he wanted to run away as far as possible, he understood. A part of him felt immediately relieved.  

‘You’re not supposed to wonder if you love someone or not.’ Louis said painfully. ‘Makes me feel like utter shit. I don’t want to go back. Doesn’t feel like home anymore.’ 

Harry passed the joint and took the scarf off his hair, it was too hot not to put it in a bun. ‘Then don’t.’ 

‘I can’t I have to-’ 

‘No Louis. You don’t have to do anything that makes you feel unhappy. You don’t owe anyone anything. Never. You taught me that.’ 

‘It was ages ago.’ 

‘I mean it. I know that you got many friends and the bestest of friend but if you want to stay here just know that you can. I have a cozy guest room and a lovely doggo to talk to.’ 

  

___ ___

 

 

‘So why don’t you just go back to him huh?’ Paul said bursting in tears.  

‘Don’t you get it Paul? It never was about Harry. I didn’t take this decision because I wanted to be with him or whatever. I can’t have a baby with you because it doesn’t feel right to take this step with you.’ 

‘Aren’t you happy?’ 

‘No. I’m not. And you’re not either Paul. I’m deeply sorry to break your heart but I don’t see the point of being in that kind of relationship.’  

‘I know you don’t love me like you used to but I can be ok with that. Stay. There’s always one who loves more. Let it be me.’ 

‘You deserve to be with someone who loves you so much it breaks his heart. I’m sorry.’ Louis concluded tears rolling down his cheeks. He went back to what was their home and puked until he had nothing left in his stomach. He called the surrogate agency to explain the situation and called Paul’s father to tidy the house and contact realtors. After a while Paul’s friends had become his and now he would have to explain himself and it was too much. Out of every phone number he had stored in his phone in dialed Harry’s. 

‘Sushi?’ Harry replied not minding Louis’ shaky voice.  

 

___ ___

 

Friday night. Harry had had a rough week, he definitely needed a drink. ‘Usual?’ he offered to Steve and Clare. Ashton and Liam were kissing at the back, lost in their own little world.  

‘Got it.’ Niall said without looking at Harry. ‘Mick will bring them.’  

They started to chat and drink, a lot. Harry and his friends were used to partying at Miss You now. He really liked that place, from the music, to the furniture and safe atmosphere. Louis’ touch was here and there, there was that smile neon, with crosses, just like Louis would draw it. There also was that sign which said ‘Do me a favor?’. It made Harry smile every time.  

‘Wanna dance?’ Clare offered grabbing Harry’s hand. The place was crowded so Harry couldn’t see if Louis was still behind the bar or if he were to serve drinks. ‘Stop thinking about him.’ Clare said grabbing him by the shoulders. ‘Have fun.’  

Harry dissimulated his laugh with a cough and let the music do its work. One hour had passed when a guy bumped into him.  

‘Hey. What’s your name?’ The guy, he was small, dark haired with light eyes. 

‘Harry.’ He had to bent forward to be heard.  

‘Well, Harry. Nice to meet you. I’m Josh and I really like your shirt.’  

‘Oh. That old thing?’ Harry said shrugging. 

‘It’s a bit nipply.’ Josh said touching the collar. ‘Do you wanna dance?’  

 

___ ___

 

‘Do you want me to leave you alone?’ Harry asked softly, he was petting Pich, the dog laying on his lap was sleeping already.  

‘Do you want to go for a walk?’ Harry looked at the clock, it was just before three in the morning. Louis had been playing lullabies for hours, Harry hadn’t said a word too afraid to break this fragile moment of peace.  

‘Can we take Pich?’ Louis looked at the dog and laughed,  

‘She needs some sleep.’ to Louis’ surprise Harry stood up holding her in his arms and put her back on the couch. His gesture was so soft and caring it made Louis smile. 'Let's have a walk.' 

 

___ ___

 

‘Can you believe I’ve been crashing at your house for two months.’ Louis said scratching the back of his head. He recalled the time he had to break up with Paul and his stomach shrunk. All those nights crying himself to sleep, torn apart, thinking so low of himself it had made him vomit. All those nights playing piano so quietly Harry wouldn’t wake up. All those looks and sorry faces.  

‘What about you and Harry’ his friends and family had repeated. Half of his friends believed he had left Paul for the artist. It wasn’t true, things were, Harry’s presence had helped him see the truth and as opposed to what they thought, Louis was actually glad Harry had help him out without knowing.

Breaking up with Paul and being friend with Harry were two different things. Of course, Louis would always have feelings for Harry, it didn’t mean he wanted to try again. Right now, he needed time alone and above all he needed to be back for work. Niall had been the best and naturally had hired his cousin to replace him when needed, only bothering Louis with paperwork. 

 ‘It feels like me and Zayn are divorced parents. Don’t know about him but I think you need your own apartment. Kinda tired of your mess.’ Harry teased, pouring himself a glass of wine. 

‘I’m not as messy as I used to though.’ he tried to convince himself.  

‘I’m glad you’re happier.’ Harry gave one glass to Louis and sipped his slowly. ‘I know about the rumors. I don’t mean to be judgmental but those people, they don’t know shit about me, us.’ Louis would never be used to Harry swearing.  

‘Remember when we met?’ Louis said out of the blue. He didn’t care about what people had to say, there was no need to talk about it. He knew Harry only meant to be his friend and it worked. 

‘The canteen of the musical department.’ Harry recalled.  

‘You were chatting with some girls with your curly hair and weird clothes.Took me one second to know that I wanted to be a part of your life.’ Louis said with way too much fond. Just like that he was off limits. He took a sip and scratched his rope tattoo. He remembered the day he had discovered Harry was the artist behind the cradle and felt weird. Harry’s presence didn’t hurt anymore, it had taken his return for Louis to understand things and heal on so many levels. His return had allowed Louis to mend some broken parts and mature. He was in peace with the past. 

Yet, the spark was still there and as much as he wanted things to be different, he couldn’t help but feeling more than permitted. He liked to recall those moments, because he had been happy and because Harry had loved him. 

 

‘You came and said 'nice curls' and then you fucked Davis McEvans.’ Harry joked rising his glass.  

‘We only snogged!’Harry burst out of laughing. ‘You lil fucker.’ Louis added and just like that Harry cried with laughter.  

 

___ ___

 

 

‘I can’t believe it’s the first time we met.’ Zayn hugged Harry and kissed Louis on the cheek. ‘Louis told me lots about you.’  

‘My pleasure.’ He turned to Louis and bent forward. ‘Gonna grab some beer be right back.’ Louis nodded and went for a corner that would fit the three of them.  

‘He’s steamy.’ Zayn said looking behind Louis shoulder. ‘Definitely charming.’ 

‘Are you trying to make me feel jealous?’ Louis said taking off his Levis denim jacket. 

‘Nah. You’re the one cheating on me after all. Three times a week.’ He joked still looking at Harry who was slightly leaning on the counter.   

‘There’s nothing to worry about.’ 

‘That’s why you didn’t want me to meet him. Cause there’s nothing between you two. Here he comes. Don’t forget to breathe.’ Zayn teased. He helped Harry putting the drinks on the table without spilling and they started to chat. Louis could tell that Zayn was intimidated, especially because Louis didn’t warn him about Harry’s look. From the outside it seemed that Harry was eating him alive or very mad at him. 

‘So how did you two meet?’ 

‘I asked Louis to offer a drink to a girl that I liked. He offered the drink to the wrong one. Except that the wrong one was a gem. We dated two years after that. Anyway, I came back one day and thanked him.’ 

Harry scrunched his nose and bit his lip before drinking. He was grinning behind the pint. 

‘You’re making fun of me.’ 

‘Am I?’  

 

At one point, a girl joined them. Apparently, Zayn knew her from a previous party and they started to have a really deep conversation about a movie Louis hadn’t watched. He grabbed Harry’s hand and led him in the middle of the crowd.  

Harry attempted to tie his long curls but Louis grabbed his wrist and put it down. 

‘My hair will fall over my face.’ Harry whispered into Louis’ ear. ‘You know that.’  

‘I know.’ Louis answered taking the elastic. ‘Let me do it.’  

He stepped closer, their noses were almost touching. Harry’s breath was warm and deliciously familiar. Louis felt Harry’s hand on his waist, Harry’s long fingers were pressing the fabric of his t-shirt. Louis had his mouth slightly opened, as always when he was focused on a task. He ran his fingers through Harry’s curls and pull gently.

He knew Harry was looking at his lips and suppressed a smile. His hair was soft and smelt like peppermint. How many times had he ran his fingers into Harry’s hair like that? He tried his best not to think about the specific moments when his cock had slid in and out of Harry’s mouth.  

‘Here.’ He let his hands dropped along Harry’s chest and unbuttoned the first two buttons. Harry peered at his fingers playing with the buttons and silently prayed for the part inside him that was dying to  _feel_  Louis’ fingers to disappear.  

 

‘Here.’ 

‘Thanks mate.’ Louis drank the glass of water in a row. 

‘So, are you going to tell me the truth or are we still pretending there’s nothing between you two?’ Zayn said pouring water into Louis’ glass again.  

‘We were just dancing.’ Zayn couldn’t suppress a laugh. 

‘You were dying to fuck him. The guy couldn’t keep his eyes off you.’  

The strange feelings inside his chest couldn’t be mutual, could they?  

___ ___

 

‘You know what they say, feelings that come back are feelings that never left.’ Liam said while tattooing his own left hand.  

‘Louis doesn’t need his clingy ex to love him. He needs me as a friend. I left I can’t possibly ask for more. Would be inappropriate.’ 

‘So you love him.’ 

‘Course I do.’ Harry smiled gently. ‘Been dying to kiss him the second he went to the warehouse. But he was going to be a father you know? And then he was single but he needed time on his own. I don’t deserve a second chance.’ 

‘Bullshit.’ Liam said focused on the sharps.  

‘I don’t want him to believe our friendship is not enough.’ 

‘Except that it’s not. At least not for you and now you’re hurt. You better find the courage to tell him before sitting on your hands, patiently waiting for him to find a guy to marry. I don’t want you to end up miserable and alone.’ 

‘What if it’s not mutual anymore?’ 

‘You’ll have to choose between being hurt and eventually move on or staying out of his life.’ 

‘I can’t do that again no. Don’t want to lose him, ever.’ Harry swallowed with difficulty. 

‘Better hope it’s mutual then.’  

‘Don’t wait too long though.’ Ashton said kissing Liam on his forehead. ‘You better ask him out before another curly guy does.’ 

 

___ ___

 

Harry waited and waited. Two months and a week. Ten weekends, nine breakfasts at the Petit Paris. Louis’ birthday and the New Year. Not that he had been counting or anything. Today was his 25th birthday. Of course, Louis would be here and they would drink and touch and dance. Yet, it didn’t change anything.  

Harry couldn’t count all the times when Louis had gently replaced one of his curls, or when he had played for him. Those times they had danced, Louis’ nose brushing Harry’s neck, his large hands on Louis’ back. Those times Louis had had crinkles by his eyes from laughing too hard.  

‘He’s so fucking gorgeous. I’m losing my shit.’ Louis whispered trying to stop lurking. Niall grabbed him by the shoulders and made him turn around to face him. 

‘Go and kiss him.’ 

‘No. He’ll think it’s because it’s his birthday. And I’m drunk which in this case, is worse because then he’ll think I’ll regret it.’ 

‘You two are fucking idiots.’ 

 

___ ___

 

'Could you not transform my kitchen into a fucking mess?' Niall said glaring at Louis and Harry who had been playing with flour while making a cake. There was food everywhere, it was a mess. Harry ahd flour on his curls and Louis chocolate on his face. They looked at each other and made Niall disappear. 

'Here.' Harry said taking off some chocolate of Louis' lower lip with his thumb. 'Let's make this cake.

 

___ ___

Everyone was bustling around at the Pub, Louis was running from one table to another, Niall was hebind the bar. Ashton, Zayn and his girlfriend and Liam were there, chatting and drinking bourbon. 

'Jenny please help Andrew, he has split some glasses at table 9.' Louis said sighing deeply, the new trainees were a pain. Niall looked at him from behind the bar and smiled from one ear to the other. 

'They are a pain.'

'Yeah so don't fuckin smile Ni.' Niall laughed this time. 

'Well well well, someone's having fun tonight.' Niall said pointing at Harry on the dancefloor, he was dancing with a guy, casually kissing him.

'Does he have to come here to get his fucks?' Louis said with a thick accent, obviously irritated.

'You jealous?' Niall teased but Louis wasn't in the mood, he turned around glared at Ni.

'Maybe I am yeah. And maybe I'm hurt too but let's have a laugh about it shall we?'

'Louis I-'

'Drop it Niall. I have work to do.'

___ ___

 

Louis couldn't help but thinking about the previous night when Harry had left the bar with a random guy. He wasn't the first time and wouldn't be the last but the more it would happen, the more would Louis be upset. 

I grabbed his phone and texted Harry, 'fancy a walk along the beach?' and waited. His cigarette was slowly burning away, he wouldn't move. His mind was stuck on Harry fucking Styles. 

His phone vibrated, it was Harry. ' See you in one hour' Louis read

 

They walked along the beach, Harry had brought donuts and two  caramel macchiato. 

 

'Shouldn't drink coffee when you're hangover. It dehydrates your body. Pretty bad.' Louis said trying to make the conversation, but Harry could tell he wasn't feeling himself, everyone could tell really. 

'There are many, many things bad for my health, Lou.'  Louis sighed and pouted. 

'Are we going to talk about what makes you sad or are we going to walk in silence again for the remaining 5 kilometers?'

 

Louis scoffed, of course Harry would knew, but at least he had the respect not to point out Louis' jealousy. 

'Did you have fun last night?'

'Did you?'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'You were watching me, I saw that.'

'I was checking on you, didn't want you to go and fuck a psycho.' Now it was Harry's turn to scoff. 

'Okay.'

'Okay?' Louis repeated, he wanted to throw the remaining donuts at Harry's face. Fucker. 

'It's a good thing I didn't fuck this one, don't you think?' Harry scrunched his nose, he was obviously making fun at Louis and it was as upsetting as hot. 

'And what about the others? Was it a good thing?' Louis heard himself say, he wanted to punch himself and run away. He was jealous and hated it. Harry shrugged a big smile on his face. Louis knew him by heart, he wasn't proud of his fucks, he was happy to see Louis mad. Fucker. 

'Anyway. Please don't be sad about it. I mean it. They weren't important, at all. And you know, maybe you should have gone back home with me, we would have I don't know played the piano and cooked pasta.'

 

Louis didn't say anything for a while, starting to silently enjoying the pictures of Harry,  _alone_ , drunk in his bed, his curls messing with his face, his naked body waiting for the alcohol to disolve. He pictured him in front of the pan, waiting for the water to boil, wearing briefs only. And just like that he pictured himself, hugging him from behind, feeling his lean muscles and smelling his neck. 

'Better?' Harry teased once more, grabbing the last double-chocolate donut. Louis shook his head and bit his lip, he remained silent, he would  not give Harry the pleasure. 

 

___ ___

'No over drinking tonight.' Asthon said handling the bottle of wine to Louis who pretended not to know why the intervention was needed. 'Last time you got drunk you and Harry got really messy remember?'

'Nope.' he said pouring himself a glass of wine.

'You don't remember pushing Haz against a wall and kissing him on the neck before Niall appeared?' Louis tried his best not to shiver to the memory.

 

___ ___

The day was following its course perfectly when Louis entered Zayn's house. He was smoking, watching some tennis competition with a big smile on his face. 

'So I invited Harry and the boys to come here tonight. We haven't properly been messed up in weeks. 

'Well I have.'

'That's because anytime Haz's here, you drink yourself under the table to forget.'

'Could you all stop? First Ash, then you. I'm not a child. I know what I should and shouldn't do.'

'Cause you think you shouldn't kiss Harry.'

'I-' Louis really tried to lie to himself, he really wanted to utter the words, but it would not come. He had to admit, he had feelings for Harry and as much as he hated it, he would do anything to get close to him without consequences, even though it meant over drinking and looking like a fool. He sighed and lit the blunt. 

'I don't think it's appropriate. What we had is over, we dated, didn't end well, there is no such thing as second chance mate. He doesn't care and shouldn't care.'

'Good words spoken, if only you believed them. Stop lying to him and to yourself. He still loves you, you know that. But you're just too afraid it might not work and you two will have to say goodbye again.'

 

Louis didn't answer, truth was, Zayn was right. Louis was afraid, more than he had ever been. He couldn't afford loosing Harry twice. His heart wouldn't heal this time. 

 

The night went great, they were all playing cards, chatting and laughing. Liam and Ashton weren't glued to each other for once, Niall was a beaming sun and Zayn was pretty high, enjoying his sense of quietness. Harry was painting his nails with two different colours, he had a scarf around his curls and an earring. He was outrageously beautiful, Louis was tipsy only, he had promised himself not to drink too much. 

Harry left the living room and went for the bathroom.

'Hey.'

'Hi.'

'What in the fresh hell are you doing Haz?' 

'Putting back my scarf.'

'Your scarf was fine.'

'Maybe I wanted a moment alone with you then.' Louis' heart was starting to beat faster. 

'Why?' Harry pinched his lips. Louis grabbed him by the waist and made him bent over the edge of the sink. 

'I think you know why.' Harry said looking at Louis' lips. Louis laughed and bent forward to kiss him. He took his time, appreciating every second of this moment. Cause, for sure, it would be a moment to remember.

'Do you think we shouldn't?' Harry asked but Louis came closer and closer, pressing his palm again Harry's lean chest. His lips were less than an inch from Harry's. He could smell his breath, he grabbed Harry by the neck and when their lips were about to meet Harry pushed him slightly and broke the embrace.

'I can't, I'm sorry.' Harry paused and pouted. He sighed and rubbed his face. 'Hum, I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.' he said before leaving the party. 

 

Louis went back to the living room, a knot on his throat. He didn't say a word and rolled a joint. Zayn understood in a second and dragged him out of the room to get a bit of fresh air. 

'Did you know?'

'What?'

'That he has a boyfriend.' Louis scoffed, he couldn't believe it. It had been weeks of a dangerous game, hidden kisses on the cheeks, furtive looks and hints. How many times have they danced together like a couple would? How many times had Harry held his breath when too close to Louis? How many smiles translating Harry's dirty mind? How many  intertwined hands? Hadn't it meant anything after all? 

'I didn't think it would matter. He loves  _you_.' 

'Harry may be a lot of things but unfaithful? that he isn't. He wouldn't cheat on anyone, smitten or not.' Louis sighed. 'He's trying to forget about his feelings for me.' 

'Isn't that a bad thing?' Louis didn't answer, he started crying. 'Lou, why are you crying?'

'Don't you see that it's fucked up? I've been teasing him over and over again, making it last, playing like a teen. What for ? Because I'm afraid. But in the meantime he's trying to live his life. He's found a boyfriend because he knew this situation couldn't continue.  I need to let him go. If he's trying, it means he doesn't believe we could make it work after all.He's just trying to let go. I need to let him let us go.' he sniffled and swept his cheeks. 

'Why would you let him be with someone else and not fight?'

'Harry deserves better than some guy sitting on his hands. He deserves someone who won't hesitate, who'll know he's the one in a second.' Zayn grabbed him and hugged him, he wanted Louis to stop crying, right now Louis' sadness was heartbreaking to witness.

'Okay, let stop it here. We'll talk about that later okay Lou? Let's get back inside.'

___ ___

More weeks passed, Harry being less present to the gigs and gatherings. Niall was completely upset as he truly believed Louis and Harry would end up together. Ashton and Liam were upset too, they had talked to Louis who had decided to close the subject. Louis and Harry hadn't talked about the bathroom episode or those infinite times they had shared something deeper than friendship. 

'Ok could you not?' Zayn said at Harry who looked up and frowned.

'Could I not what?'

'I don't know pretend you're all about your boyfriend? Maybe you could drop your phone and be with us?' Zayn was totally calm, sitting on the couch. Niall looked at him and froze, Zayn was bold. 

'I like him.' Harry said. 

'I'm sure you do but you also like Louis, don't you?'

'I'm gonna go.' Harry said touching the button of his shirt clumsily. 

'We watched you getting closer and closer and when you were almost together, you decided to have a boyfriend? I thought Louis was afraid but you, you're on a whole new level, mate. Being so afraid to be with someone, you go with the first stranger you see? Couldn't be me.'

'Are you suggesting I would use Chris ?'

'I would never. I believe you when you say you like him. But you love Louis and jumping from one guy to another won't solve the problem. Nothing will erase that. I'm quite tired of seeing my best mate devastated and in pain every night knowing you're with somebdoy else.'

'He was happy in Rio.'

'He was happy because it was your birthday and he had organised everything for you idiot. He was happy because you got to be like before , when you two were boyfriends. Except that you didn't do shit because you two are too afraid.'

'I shouldn't have accepted his gift then?' 

'You don't get it mate.'

'I mean, it's not my business, our business, but Haz, there's really no need to pretend at this point. We just want us to be happy and to be honest mate, Chris or not, you didn't seem really happy these days. I mean he is a nice guy and you like him ok but hum- When we were in Rio, you were the happiest and think it's because Louis was loving you freely. But it's been weeks since this trip and you're trying, it's a good thing. But- Louis, well you've seen him. He won't admit it but he's a mess.'

___ ___

It was his duty night, Niall was having some time off from whole bartender/ owner thing. Louis was alone but as it was monday night, he would be okay. The usuals were here, playing card games and chatting. Louis pretty much knew all the faces, despite everything going on, at least he had his bar, his job, his little dream that had came true. 

 

'No more drinks for tonight Jaden. I think I need to call Stephan.' the guy on the tall stool looked at him funny and shook his head. 'Come on big boy, he's your husband, he won't be mad.'

'He's always mad.' Louis looked at the man and laughed. He wanted to reply but someone caught his attention, a man, a bit taller than him kissing a curly hired guy on the cheek, covering his face. 

 

Louis' heart shrunk. Harry. 

'Hey, two Porters please.'

'Sorry mate, I've ring the bell already.'

'But it's only 11:30.'

'And we also are monday. Sorry. Last call was thirty minutes ago.' 

 

So here he was, _Chrys_. 

'Hum- okay, I'll just go and tell my boyfriend.' the guy said all smiley, he was beautiful and kind, anyone could tell. The guy of guy you cannot really hate unless you want to look like a brat, but yet again, being a brat was more than fine Louis told himself. 

Harry came back from the loo and reached Chrys, he told him something and chrys left the bar, waiting for Harry to come too. 

'Last call was thirty minutes ago.'

'How are you?' Harry asked, he was ashamed and Louis couldn't explain why. 

'How am I?' Louis scoffed, I was perfectly good until someone who I haven't talked to in days and who by the way, is supposed to be my friend, came into my bar with his boyfriend and asked for a beer.'

'I'm talking to you right now.'

'Oh.' Louis laughed, Harry was bold. 'Well as I said, bar's closed.' Louis said before turning his back to Harry and tidy some glasses.

'So it's going to be that way? If we can't be more than friends we are not friends at all?'

'You're the one ghosting everyone H. Please, leave my bar.' Louis said without turning around. 

 

Louis closed the bar, bought some pizza on the road and reached his appartment. He had managed no to break until then, hardly had he opened the door than he let himself fall against the wall and cried. He cupped his face, swept his cheeks and opened the card box. He grabbed a piece of pizza, still crying and dialed Zayn's number. 

'I'm kinda having a mental breakdown right now so if you could just come around, I have pizza.'

___ ___

Chrys was laying on Harry's chest, caressing his tattoos. Harry was reading some article on the web when he received a video from Niall. They were all on the beach, high as they could be, Liam was trying to cook something and everyone was laughing. The caption said 'listen closely.' So Harry replayed the video and heard Louis' voice. He focused and heard Louis say ' You all are shitheads. I miss my Hazza.' 

 

Harry's heart shrunk. He closed his phone, felt Chrys' wieght on his chest and took time to think about his life. Chrys felt Harry's tears on his face and sat up.

'Babe? You okay?'

'No. I'm not. Hum- I think, I think you need to go. I'm sorry, I like you, I do. We have a great time together but I- I love someone else.' 

'What? Who?'

'Hum- The bartender last week. I wanted us to go to that bar because I wanted to see him and hum- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just missed him.' Harry wouldn't stop crying and the guy was looking at him, his mouth open like a dumb man. He tried to think about something to say but put his shirt back on instead. 

'Chrys I'm sorry. I really am. I like you.'

'I know you do. But I had never seen you so happy after that night, and so off until tonight. So I guess I have my answer.' Chrys said before leaving the room, tears down his face. 

___ ___

 

Louis decked himself and come out of his apartment to ride at work. He opened the door to see Harry waiting bent over his car. ‘You’re not working tonight.’ Harry said taking the keys from Louis’ hand. The later shook his head, ‘ You expect me to just follow you?’ Harry bit his lip, he deserved that.

'Let me apologize, okay? Get in the car.'

'You need to kidnap me to apologize?' Louis added, Harry laughed and opened the car. 

They rode in silence, Harry had such a big smile on his face Louis wanted to shake him. They reached the parking of a villa, ‘Hope you’ll like it.’  They walked through the waiting crowd and a woman greeted them. ‘Good evening Harry, and you must be our player for the night, Louis, isn’t it? So glad you’re here. 20 more minutes and the stage is yours. Have a drink until then.’ She said clapping her fingers, a waiter offered them champagne. Louis looked at Harry who bit his lips. 

‘You didn’t.’ Louis said shaking his head in disbelief. ‘I didn’t rehearse any songs. Jeez I hate you.’ He said smiling brightly.  

‘Just play anything. Just be you.’ by the traits of his jaw Louis knew Harry wanted to say more but didn’t. Louis tried his best not to think about how his lips would feel and reminded himself they were friends. He swallowed down the champagne and looked around. Apparently, it was a reunion of ancient friends, there were photo books on the tables and people seemed to be constantly greeting each other. 

The previous woman went on stage and took the mic. ‘Well, I’m so happy you’re all here.’ She continued her discourse until Louis heard ‘Now it’s time for a little musical pause. Please welcome Louis Tomlinson.’ 

The pianist looked at Harry who smiled so brightly that the earth stopped turning. Louis came on stage and sat in front of the piano. Hundreds of people were waiting for his music. He closed his eyes, exhaled deeply and out of any song he could have played he picked ‘Kiss the rain’ by Yiruma. This had been the first song Louis had played for Harry. 

 

___ ___

 

Harry’s day went horribly wrong, from being fired from the library to his paintings thrown away by his despicable roommate just before the exam, the day had been a nightmare. He ran to Louis’ house and threw himself into his arms. In front of Harry’s profound despair Louis knew words wouldn’t suffice. He asked for Harry to lay on the piano and to close his eyes. Even though laying on an actual piano was a weird thing to do Harry didn’t regret it one second, ‘Kiss the rain’ played by Louis would suffice to relieve him.  Harry knew he wouldn't finish college and with that his hopes to grow old with Louis were jeopardized. He wanted them to run away somewhere like lovers in tragedies. 

‘Better?’ Louis said softly. Harry cheeks were still wet but he wasn’t crying anymore. He sniffled and sat back. ‘What?’ Harry didn’t say anything and climbed down the piano. He walked around to reach Louis. He cupped Louis’ face and dragged him gently so he would stand up. 

‘I love you Louis Tomlinson.’  

 

___ ___

 

Louis played for one hour and a half that night. He joined Harry and prayed he wouldn’t ask about the song. There had always been a shared taciturnity between those two, unsaid utterances, unwritten words. Harry had always picked his words with great care, he knew too well his eyes were way too talkative. Louis had always preferred the less the better and was better at listening anyway.  

‘How do you feel?’ Harry gave him a champagne flute. Louis who couldn’t utter a single word, shook his head instead and hugged him.  

‘Thank you so so much.’ 

‘After your birthday gift, how amazing it was to spend it with you in Rio. I figured I had to thank you.’ Harry whispered in his ear, it made Louis shiver.

'I invited you to get rid off your boyfriend. I wanted us to have some free time, away from this Chrys of yours.'

'Don't be jealous.' Harry said but Louis shook his head no.

'I am. And I am pissed. We haven't talked in days and you came back for a piano night. You're supposed to apologize now.'

'I'm an idiot.'

'Well, true. Doesn't count as an excuse.' Harry laughed and tightened his grip. 

'Please forgive me, I was afraid and bitter and I wanted you to play tonight because I know you were sad and upset and I hate that. I've found another boyfriend because I didn't want to break us again. I don't think I deserve you and I am sorry I know I hurt you and I promised you I wouldn't. Ever again. So I'm a jerk and so if you could forgive me so we could-'

'Jesus Harry mind your feet, will you?'

‘Sorry I’m wasted.’ Harry finished, reaching Louis’s bum. Louis burst out of laughing and stepped back to inspect him. Harry hid between his hands but Louis could still see his dimples. Louis stepped closer again and took Harry’s hands away from his mouth to put them back on his butt.  Harry bit his lip and pouted. 

'So we could what?' Louis teased against Harry's mouth. 

‘spend time together again. I missed you.’ He said stepping back, Louis' mouth was dangerously too closed, he didn't want his impatience to ruin their much needed conversation.

'What about your boyfriend?' Louis said placing his hands around his neck and stepped closer. 'What about leaving me upset and sad in the fucking bathroom?'

'I'm single Louis. And I'm sorry about leaving you. I didn't want to.'

'You left me again, sad and upset in my own bar'

'I wanted to see you so bad it hurt. We were walking down the street and I tried to go home but then I thought about it and it was monday and you were working so I told myself, why not?'

Louis was so close it hurt. Harry stepped even closer and swung slowly. His large palms were pressed firmly around his bum and all Louis could think about was the bulge swelling inside his jeans. He moved a little searching for Harry’s thigh against his crotch. He needed the friction.

They slow danced silently, Louis pulling Harry’s hair harder when the later decided to kiss him just beneath the ear. Slowly Harry placed one hand around Louis’ neck, his thumb brushing his lower lip. Louis tried not to think about the rough sex they had had, when Harry would place his left hand the same way while riding him fast and rough.   

‘It's been months since I dreamt about this moment.'

'A moment that you ruined so many times.' Louis spat, a part of him was joking, the other really wasn't.

'Speak for yourself.'

'I know I am an idiot. I need to apologize too. I wanted us to be together again, I was falling again for you and I lost my shit Haz. I never thought I could be with you again. I never thought- so I kept playing boyfriends until it was too late and you found someone else. I'm not mad you tried. I'm jealous because I couldn't even start to think of replacing you. But I shouldn't have waited and get mad once it was too late. We are idiots.'

'I wanna remember how you taste.’ Harry whispered against Louis’ lips. His plump lips had moved painfully too close yet the distance was still unbearable. Louis had to kiss him. He dragged Harry and their lips collide in a bruising kiss. Harry let out a soft moan and framed Louis’ face so he could kiss him better. Their tongues met and felt each other out lazily. 

  

___ ___

 

‘We kissed. Well, technically I kissed him.’ Louis told Niall trying to focus on the curls of smoke not to smile. Spring was slowly piercing the wintery morning fog, Niall didn’t even raise an eyebrow. 

‘Well,’ Niall paused refolding his sleeves ‘about time.’ Louis snorted. 

‘Except that you stopped here, didn't you?'  Ashton asked, caressing Liam's hair. 

‘Yes, I had to come back at the club cause someone was too drunk to do the closure.’ 

‘Well sorry for that. Anyways. I was starting to get tired of you two not seeing what everyone sees. You’re not made to be friends.’  

 

___ ___

 

‘No fucking way.’ Harry said widening his arms to let the puppy in. ‘Her name is Watermelon. They found her in a dumpster, almost frozen.’ Louis said petting the small dog, he scrutinized Harry’s face, dimples out, wild smile and teary eyes, he kept his pride for himself silently imprinting deep into his memory this moment of bliss. ‘She’s lovely. Thank you, Lou. Let’s take her to Mama Pich.’ He sniffled. 

Pich was playing with Watermelon, trying her best not to hurt the puppy Husky. Louis and Harry were laying on the living room floor for no other reason than peering mindlessly at the exposed beams was their new thing.  Louis had one hand on his tummy the other caressing Harry’s hair. It was relatively mild outside but the soft warmth from the oven was lulling them into Morpheus arms.  

Out of the blue Harry spoke and it made Louis start, ‘We kissed.’ 

Before Louis got to speak Harry followed, ‘I want you to be my boyfriend. I’m pretty sure I never ceased to love you, not even when my heart was broken, not after I’d seen the wanders the world has to offer. Not even the first time I was told you’d been in a relationship for two years. It took me a while to see it. I simply didn’t want to mess things up and you had Paul and then you were free and I couldn’t possibly take that freedom away from you. You deserved it. But then, the more I would try to go on dates, to think about anyone but you, to be casual, it would hit me in the guts. It’s you.’ Harry exhaled deeply and took Louis’ hand.  

 

Louis took his time to answer. 

Harry had spoken and just as importantly. Louis recalled all those days being sad and broken, before and after Harry’s return. He thought about those nights when the simple thought of Harry had made him nauseous, the nights when he had prayed not to look at Harry and fall again. He recalled the long list of dreams he had about him and Harry finally back together, goals he wanted to accomplish by his side.

After one year they were three words away from getting back together and Louis wasn’t going to run away. Harry had hurt him but this pain belonged to the past. As much as Louis had once wished it to and as opposed to bitterness, anger and sadness, his love for Harry wouldn’t go away.  

They both had committed mistakes they both were determined to mature and build something that would last. Niall was right, they weren’t made to be friends. They were made for each other. Louis looked at Harry and realized that he had been hurting too, waiting patiently for Louis to be ready again. Dying to call him his again. Trying his best to be a friend when everything he had ever wanted was to be allowed to love him again. 

‘I love you.’ Louis replied softly. He rolled over Harry so as to sit on his waist. Harry’s hands found Louis’ back underneath his t-shirt. Louis didn’t wait to unbuttoned Harry’s shirt and kissed where his shoulder and neck met. Harry hummed slightly and couldn’t help but taking Louis’ t-shirt off when he felt his tongue on his nipple. Louis tried to kiss his chest again but Harry dragged him on his side and made sure he would lay on his back. 

‘I want you to fuck my mouth.’ Harry replied looking at him straight in the eye. He popped the button of Louis’ jeans and pulled them down as well as his briefs. Louis’ cock sprang free, Harry circled the base with his fingers and Louis threw his head back, moaning from finally being touched. Harry started to work over Louis’ cock and Louis pulled his hair harder. He knew Harry’s sloppy mouth too well.

Harry curled his fingers against Louis’ cock and stroked him. He pressed his tongue against the pulsing vein underside Louis’ cock and swallowed around Louis to drive him a little closer to the edge. Louis moaned and dug his nails into Harry’s neck. He had to loosen his jaw to let Louis slide fully. Just as Louis’ thrust were getting messier, Harry looked up and frowned. 

‘What the fuck-’ Louis tried to ask looking at Harry with so much frustration it literally hurt. Harry looked at him and licked his lower lip. 

‘Your cookies are burning.’ His voice was wrecked. 

‘Wait what?’ Louis said turning around his head. ‘Oh Shit.’ He gasped, there was smoke coming out of the oven. Quickly enough, he stood up, opened the oven and disappeared behind the smoke ‘Jeez fucking Christ’ Harry heard Louis say and of course, he laughed ‘Help me instead of laughing, you goofy head.’ Harry stood up, opened one of the windows. before leaning against the kitchen counter. 

‘I was dying to eat those. Shit.’ He muttered while putting the cookies next to Harry who looked at the oven rack with amusement.  

‘Let’s try them.’ His lips were swollen and red.  

‘Please don’t’ Louis tried before Harry took one and ate it, full mouth. Louis looked at him with utter surprise, Harry just shrugged.  

‘You taste better.’ He said before lifting Louis and lying him down on the blue suede sofa.   

 


End file.
